such lies...

people always leave.

not that it's completely new or unheard of, but i guess i just needed a reminder of something i've known for years.

if I could turn back time...

I have no idea why but lately I've been reflecting on my life and the life-changing decisions I've made in the last 25 years.

The main question is just that, if I could go back to the points in time (like 2004, 2008 and 2013) when I made those decisions, would I still choose the same or would I select a completely different option? And if I had chosen a completely different option, would the outcome have turned out to be completely different as well?

I don't know! ):

the day when everything goes wrong ):

if there's only one day in the whole year where everything goes wrong, it must be today - nothing has been right since the day started at 12am! ):

on a more positive note, it means that none of the remaining 357 days of the years will be this bad, since this is possibly the worst it could ever get.

meow ):

sorry?

till the work be done.

my hands have never been so dirty and oily before.

my hands have never been so dry and rough before.

my hands have never been so full of cuts and bruises before.

these thoughts came to me when i looked at my hands while washing the dishes, and just suddenly made me so emotional and stressed. other negative thoughts started flooding my mind, like 'this is not what i wanted', 'why am i doing this?', 'i could have been lazing around somewhere', 'i wish i could just give everything up and disappear'... and i swear i just wanted to break down in tears immediately.

but hey, guess what? i'm no longer such a baby - i didn't cry and neither did i complain! over the past 2 months, i've been working almost everyday without any break at all and all my daily routines are messed up. i spend almost all my waking hours at work and hardly have any time for myself or my family or my friends. i'm always so tired and sleepy, sometimes to the extent that i could just faint. but things arent working out too well yet at the moment so i'll be strong and continue doing what i have to do and hopefully everything will be fine!

please.

please let this phase be over quickly and smoothly, it's so physically and mentally draining. it's like you are excited to watch a long awaited movie but you just can't get into the cinema because of the horrible weather, the annoying crowd or the evil usher (in short, factors out of your control). can't i just fast forward to the part i wanna watch in movies or simply flip the pages to jump to the chapters i like in books? =(((((

tired.

i am tired, just so so so tired! ):

i feel as if i were just a lifeless body and i look terrible after a few weeks of suffering from a major flu and prolonged stay in hanoi's summer heat. and the clock which just refuses to stop ticking every second does nothing good to my mental health either - it only adds about nine kilograms of stress and maybe twenty-eight sleepless nights to my i-have-a-sad-life list!

i guess i finally understand why people miss school when they start working. i, too, feel a tinge of jealousy when seeing people's back-to-school posts which have been flooding my facebook newsfeed over the past few days. the feeling is already so horrible now, when my schedules are still very flexible. things will just get worse next year when i have a full-time job, wont they? ):

i need to find out whom i really want to be and what i really want to do with my life.

i need to find out whom i really want to be and what i really want to do with my life.

i need to find out whom i really want to be and what i really want to do with my life.

give and take.

if you know me well, you'll totally be able to tell how much of a calculative person i am. although it's not to the extreme extent displayed by sheldon in the big bang theory (if you even watch), i often don't feel comfortable taking stuff from others without anything in return or giving others stuff for free (especially when i feel that they don't deserve it).

unfortunately, life is not always fair, so i'll have no choice but to suck it in when some people just take but refuse to give. however, when my kindness is taken for granted again and again and you keep taking/abusing my stuff without my permission with no intention of reciprocating, i dont think i can remain cool any longer.

peace.

i am losing my appetite and sleep over matters that don't deserve my time and attention. like after a long day at school/work, i can't even get just a few minutes of peace at home! ): haish maybe that's why i am becoming sickly skinny and noticeably ageing! >.<

isolation.

i've been so caught up in my own little world over the last few months that i've kind of become ignorant and grown distant with what's happening in the lives of the people who used to be a big part of my life not too long ago and are still very important to me now. no, it's not that i don't care anymore because i know i still do, but i guess i am just not as good at expressing my concerns as i was in the past and i can't really draw the line between showing concerns and being nosy sometimes.

so maybe this is one of the reasons why i've received feedbacks saying that i've changed! ): hmm i guess it's good that at least i'm now aware of my problems and i promise i will consciously make an effort to return to being the better person that i used to be! (:

life and death.

it is scary how one day you can be, hmm for example, happily writing a random blog post to vent your strong emotions over a random issue and emotionlessly buried under thick layers of soil shortly the day after. and before you know it, the roof of your 'house' will be covered with green grass and maybe even with pretty flowers blooming every spring and withered when the cold winter wind starts blowing. if you are lucky enough, your family members and friends will visit you a few times a year and send you houses, cars, clothes, shoes, food, fruits, drinks and a lot of money! however, the sad truth still holds that you will ultimately be forgotten slowly as people move on with their lives.

so its better to be 'lively poor' than 'deadly rich', isnt it?

stray cat, it's time to go home!

hmmm...

[photo taken from one of the photo albums on xavier's facebook]

unconditional love.

i love my grandfather more than anyone in this world and it is the kind of unconditional love which doesnt need to be said to be felt. hence, i always remember his birthday and know what to do not just on his birthday but on every other day as well. so please don't include me in your irrational 'race' and spoil my mood for the whole day, thank you very much!

reflections.

there are things which we expect others to do but we won't do ourselves. similarly, there are things which we only allow ourselves to do but we won't be happy seeing them done by others. for example, i will be fine having a late dinner/ skipping dinner but i will scold my brother if he does the same thing. having double standards is fine in this case, in my opinion, because it is for a good cause. however, will having double standards still be fine in the case when you impose something on others but break the rules yourself?

fairness?

indeed, nothing is fair in life. 

no matter how hard you try, no one seems to care. no matter how much effort you put in, no one seems to notice. no matter how far beyond your duty you go, no one seems to appreciate. however, when something bad happens, you take all the blame. interesting scenario, isn't it? so how do you explain what's happening here?

well i guess if you are truly a selfless hero/heroine who really sacrifices yourself for others, you wouldn't be having these thoughts. but i am NOT. i am a normal girl, with feelings, just like you, so i don't like it either when i think i'm being treated unfairly. however, i have to tell myself that it is not a big deal. i am a whiner, so i LOVE to complain. however, i keep my emotions to myself instead of showing them to others because i don't want everyone to be affected. i am a calculative person, however, i don't mind being at a disadvantage sometimes because i'd like to keep the harmonious atmosphere.

there have been a lot of occasions when i ask myself why i am doing all the things i've been doing. there have been a lot of occasions when i convince myself that they are not my responsibilities. there have been a lot of occasions when i force myself to stop doing all the things i've been doing. but i just can't!

at times like this, i really wish that i had a lot a lot a lot of money so that i could buy myself a place of my own to hide from all these troubles! ):

(almost) 5 o'clock in the morning...

one life, live it.

at the beginning of this semester, one of my teachers asked in the introductory class what all of us wanted to do with our lives and one of the answers given by the students was to live life to the fullest. i couldnt help but laugh to myself upon hearing that answer, you know, like hello how much more generic can you get? at that time, i so wished that some kind soul could save me from having to waste 2 hours of my life away listening to things which would have made no difference to anyone whether said or unsaid.

today, that highly detestable phrase ('to live life to the fullest') suddenly came back to me, pushing myself into the 'thinking' mode and making me doubt the perceived meanings of the things i have been doing lately. and then all the most negative thoughts which had long been buried in the darkest corner of my mind just became so live and real when i, again, started to question whether i had been living for myself or for other people.

i always say that i am a very independent person but i must admit that being completely independent is an impossible task since everyone of us living in this world relies on others, in one way or another. though seemingly independent, my emotions are easily affected by people around me and that is probably my worst weakness. why do i have to care about others? why can't i live MY life the way i want to? why must some people force their way into MY life and dictate the way MY life should be?

i really wish i would be able to live without a worry one day. i really wish i would be able to live freely one day. i really wish i would be able to live for myself one day.

just one day.

well, i sincerely apologise if i have, by accident, indirectly insulted anyone in this post (you know, you may be an advocate of living life to the fullest or something) but these are just my random thoughts on an emotional night, so please do not take them personally.

mentally tortured.

last night i had insomnia which, in normal circumstances, would have been no big deal because it happened on a rather regular basis. however, what made last night's insomnia different from other nights' was that it was accompanied by the unbearable feeling of anxiety (you know, like the weird feeling in your stomach) which helped me awake for the whole night imagining what could possibly have gone wrong.

worried, i called my mom early in the morning to check whether something was wrong at home and hearing her say that she couldn't sleep for the whole night because of the same thing totally freaked me out and made the both of us 10 million times more worried since something bad might have happened/ would happen everytime we experienced insomnia+anxiety at the same time.

remember the nightmare which rudely awakened me in the middle of the night not too long ago? yes, that was the first thing that came to my mind this morning and i burst out in tears almost immediately while still on the phone with my mom. paranoid mother and daughter then started contacting people close to our hearts to check whether everyone was fine.

fortunately, everything was and still is alright! (: